I'm not actually pregnant

So now that the word is officially out there, folks ask questions. Lots of questions. And more than the majority of the questions are warm, compassionate, loving and excited. It feels so good to talk about our adoption. NOW when moms are talking about cribs, clothing for their babes, so on and so forth, I can join in. I can ask about clothes. Diapers. Bedding. And I rub, rub, rub my necklace in an almost obsessive-compulsive way- as though it were my big round belly that was there to reassure me that the little one was almost here. Almost. As in hopefully less than a year (so not quite almost).

Something I have noted is that lots of people say, "wow- that's going to be about the same as a pregnancy! It'll be here before you know it." And I eagerly nod my head- keeping my fingers, toes, hairs on my head crossed. Please, please, please let our baby be here before we know it.

Then I come home and I spend some time in silence. And I think about how kind people are, but how, in all actuality, they can't really get it. My baby isn't physically hiding away within me. I don't feel sick to my stomach. I don't feel extra tired. I'm not eating for two. My nails aren't stronger. My hair isn't getting thicker. None of that stuff. Right now I don't even know if our baby's birth mother is pregnant. I think about her. I pray for her. But I'm not there.

Please, dear God, surround her with angels. If she has our little one inside of her right this minute, surround him/her with angels and beautiful lights and warm thoughts and let him/her KNOW love. Help our baby's birth mother find the strength to do what she will have to do to make Jason and I parents. Help her know that we love her so much. We love the little life she is carrying within her with every bit of our hearts. Every bit.

No, it's not that I'm so very sad that I'm not physically with child, it's that I am so very far away from our child. The only physical thing I can touch is my necklace... I touch the heart within in it and feel myself transported. You know how pregnant women read every single pregnancy book known to mankind? I want to read, experience, be around anyone who is from Africa. I want to breath in the culture. I want to purchase every single children's book that features characters who are of a darker skin color. I want to be surrounded by the smells, colors, sounds that our child is surrounded by. Anything to bring me closer.

So no, it's not like I'm pregnant. Not even. It's actually like I'm this woman who yearns for her baby... who can't stand the fact that she isn't able to nurture that little life who is her son/daughter. Who has to worry about her baby's birth mother being cold... hungry... alone... not celebrated. Who can only pray, take deep breaths, and continue to do what is necessary to bring her baby home.